June 6, 2010

Self-Pity: The Reunion Tour

Well, here it is another Sunday, and how do I choose to celebrate the day of God's rest from all that he created?  By watching a Law and Order marathon naturally.  *sigh*  You'd think this would be a pivotal moment of great introspection on the shallowness of how I choose to spend my time.  You'd think so anyway.  I'm too busy presently wallowing in a great big vat of Self-Pity probably soon to be followed by a Woe Is Me nap.  I'm not giving up......but I am giving in...for today at least.  Oh wait, I did that already yesterday, didn't I?  Do me a favor and back away quietly while I draw the covers of my head.  It's not polite to watch a grown woman cry.

June 4, 2010

The Prodigal Daughter Returns....Uh..Again

As you can see by the HUGE gap in between my posting dates, I've been a bit lax of late regarding my new found resolve to change.  And by lax, of course I mean sliding back into the exact same self-pitying patterns that got me here in the first place.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Am I simply lazy, still in denial? I hope not but probably. 

My best friend and I have decided to start reading the Bible together next week.....our collective quest to make some kind of sense in our otherwise directionless life...kind of a Beginner's Bible for Dummies....us of course providing the Dummy part.  I plan to blog about our progress and what I (hopefully) take away from our studies.  I've never been a big fan of having scriptures thrown at me like softballs....my first reaction is usually to duck.  I want to figure out how the scriptures fit into the real world.....and just maybe I'll figure the same thing out about my self.

April 24, 2010

Conversations With God: April 24, 2010

    I'm sitting on my back porch watching birds dive bomb overgrown flowers and wondering why I can't teach my cat to mow.  He needs to earn his keep somehow.
   "Life isn't unfolding quite the way you expected."
   I don't look over, even if it is the Almighty.  I feel rather than see him sink into the pink lawn chair beside me.  "I thought it would be different," I admit begrudgingly.  "I had an epipheny for God's sake."
   He chuckles and I have sense enough to blush.  "Sorry."
   "You're referring to the voice advising you 'not to hide your light'?"
   I do look at him this time.  "You actually read my posts?"
   He smiles.  "What kind of Father would I be if I didn't?"
   I try not to dwell too much on the warm feeling spreading throughout my system with that statement.  I stare back out into the yard.  "I thought my life would be different after that...all full of meaning and warm fuzzies."  I sound bitter even to my own ears.
   "You expected life to be different," he repeats gently.  "But are you?"
   I turn to him.  "Me?"
   "Yes, you.  How can you expect your life to change if you don't?"
   "But, I don't know how to change."  It sounds lame even to my ears.
   "I think you do."
   "Are you sure you're not giving me too much credit?"
   He ignores that.  "I know what you're capable of."
  "I'm glad you do," I grumble.
   "Choose one thing to change."  I start to say something but he stops me with a look.  "Just one...that's all I'm asking.  You might be surprised what happens."
   We fall silent as I consider his words.  "I don't suppose I could work on the fact that I don't eat nearly enough chocolate?" I ask hopefully.
   "Perhaps that could be second on your list."
   I nod, still hesistant, but not quite as alone as before.


April 21, 2010

Ode To Myself

Myself,  you are an odd little thing
Part sunshine and bumblebee stings
I'd give you a label
If only I were able
I hope you're what you seem

Look Out Below

I've been feeling fairly lost these past few days...well more than usual...and wondering what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go, and if God's trying to talk me but maybe I'm simply not listening hard enough.  Cut to about 6:00 this morning when I'm awakened to sound of a voice telling me "God doesn't want you to hide your light. He wants you to share it with the world."  No, it wasn't the Almighty come down from heaven to wake me up...not literally anyway.  I had fallen asleep with my TV set on one of those stations that airs Christian shows during the early morning hours.  The voice I heard was that of a female pastor, but it may very well have been that of God too.  You never know how he might choose to speak to us.  Don't hide your light.  Simple yet scary instructions, yet I know in my heart it's true. 

I've worked from home for the past several years and each day it's become easier and easier to withdraw from the life around me.  I participate but I don't engage..kind of like a sleepwalker who jolts awake every so often but never long enough to contribute anything of themselves to reality.  I'm terrified and I'm ready all at the same time to make this change.  I think I have something to offer and apparently God does too. This is my leap of faith.....look out below....

April 20, 2010

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To

Actually, yesterday was my birthday, and it was a pretty good day.  I received a lot of good wishes from family and friends, a few very sweet cards and even sweeter presents.  So why do I feel  so deflated today?  Maybe it's because birthdays have always been kind of like New Year's to me....a time of renewal of dreams and hopes for myself and my life.  Except this year, I don't really have that.  Yes, I started this blog as part of journey I hope I'm beginning.  Seems lately more of a tip-toe forward, dead-stop, whole step back, then another tip-toe forward.  Am I progressing, doing the Jitter Bug, or just making really bad dance analogies about my life? 

I have less than 2 weeks left at my job and in many ways feel I'm hanging too much importance on that.  I can't sit around here moping in the meantime waiting for life to begin anew. But, life is now...this second.  And I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it.  I didn't even pray this morning.  One tiny little thing I can do to bring myself closer to God and hopefully myself.  *sigh* Excuse me while the maudlin strum of the violin plays me out.......

April 18, 2010

What Would Jesus Do?

I'm not sure what Jesus would do. I have a good idea of what he wouldn't do. 

  • He wouldn't spend all his free time on Facebook worrying more about taking care of his virtual characters than the friends and family he has in the real world.
  • He wouldn't spend his conversations just waiting for his turn to speak instead of actually listening to the other person.
  • He wouldn't sit around waiting for friends to check on him...he'd be too busy seeing how they're doing.
  • He wouldn't sit inside on a beautiful sunny day watching Lifetime movies and crying like a little girl.
The one thing I do know Jesus would do and did do everyday of his life:  He did what he knew was right.  And though my moral compass is nowhere near as good as his, I can at least try to do what I think is right every day.  And even if I'm wrong more than I'm right, I can keep trying...and hoping.

April 17, 2010

Countdown

As of today, there are officially 1 week and 6 days until my life is over my notice runs out on my job.  Then like a newborn baby, I'll be pushed out into the cold cruel world hoping someone will give me some milk and a diaper change once in a while.  I think I'm past the point of pure terror as unemployment looms ahead of me. I'm moved on into Denial which is just up the street from What The Hell Was I Thinking Boulevard and around the block from I'm An Idiot Avenue.  As if you couldn't still tell, I still don't know if I did the right thing in quitting my job.  I do know I'm tired of living my life in a box.  Sure, I'm the one who taped it up nice and tight so no light could get in, but now I want to bust out of it....see what I've been missing all this time "trying to do the right thing".  I honestly don't know what the "right thing" is anymore.  I can't imagine it's doing something that makes me so unhappy...makes me forget the few good things I do know about myself.  We'll see.

In the meantime, I'm having all my mail forwarded to Cry Me A River City.  Come visit if you like.

April 15, 2010

Shard of Hope

I woke up this morning with that familiar fist of dread settled directly in the middle of my stomach. It continued to grow, stretching its heavy tentacles up into my chest until I couldn't breathe.  I'm used to this...I don't like it, but I expect it.  Only, I was hoping this morning might be different.  I've trying so hard to change things....sure, some of that trying is only going on in my head but that's gotta count for something doesn't it.  I mean I'm actually thinking for once instead of just trying endure my lot in life. 

I guess that's why I didn't just feel disappointment....I felt downright anger when I woke up with the same knot in my stomach.  I won't lie.  I sat around and felt sorry for myself a few hours.  Why was God doing this to me?  Couldn't he see I was trying?  And then it occurred to me, what exactly had I been trying to do differently than my normal self-involved coping mechanisms (namely cruising celebrity gossip blogs and wondering why  Mike Rowe won't return my calls)?  Nothing..absolutely nothing.  I keep sitting around waiting...for something.  Exactly what I can't really say and so far that hasn't really been working out so much.

And then, out of the blue, I thought what if tried something small...nothing earth shattering, just some tiny effort on  my part to give something of myself instead of simply waiting for something to come to me.  So, I did....I took the initiative to message a friend and say good morning....how's it going.  And I listened to what she had to say.  Who'd of thought something so minimal could make me feel good?  But it did.  Not a lot but enough that the dread loosened it's grasp ever so slightly around my heart.   Then, I tried it again....I called a friend who has been ill just to see how they were doing and if they needed anything.  After I got off the phone, I felt like I could breathe again without it being such an effort.  My insides relaxed a little more. 

I won't say the fear completely left me.  I still had my episodes of doubt and fear...but there were these glorious moments of Hope in between that I hadn't felt in very long time.  And that's what I needed more than anything....just a shard of Hope to put in my pocket and maybe hold close to my heart once in a while.

I'm A Christian, Damn It

If you've read any of my past blog posts, you'll notice straight away that I swear...a lot.  None of the big ones mind you but certainly enough of the lesser evils to make up for that fact.  Which brings up the question, are Christians even allowed to cuss?  Which, of course, brings up a whole slew of other questions, the most important being (to me anyway), what makes a Christian a Christian?  Are they someone who goes to church every Sunday, brushes their teeth 3 times a day, and always but always eats all their vegetables? Maybe, but I'm betting we all know people who do those things and we still wouldn't classify them in such a manner.  And therein lies the real problem. My perception of another person's character may not be the same as yours which may not be the same as someone else's, which may not be the same as God's.  And whose opinion out of all that crowd do you think matters the most? 

So where does that leave us? Oh right, in the middle of a rambling blog post about swearing.  For me, what it comes down to is this:  It's not my job to judge....I have enough to do trying to get myself straightened up and back on the right path.  Is this just a self-serving view point so I can feel better about my spiritual well being?  I sure hope not.  But, I guess if it is, He'll let me know because I truly want do better.....want to be a better person.  But, I don't want to get so caught up in all the little things that I can't see the big picture.  And of course, I don't want to get so caught up in the big picture that I miss the little things. 

Confusing?  Actually no, not to me.  But even if it is, there's one thing I am certain about.  God:  he's one hell of a guy.

April 14, 2010

The Stuck-It List

A list of the positive changes I made in my life today towards regaining my faith:
  1. I made this list.
  2. I stared at this list.
  3. I stared at this list and cried for a little while.
  4. I stared at this list, cried for a little while, and vowed to never make such useless lists again.
Umm...perhaps I need another strategy.

Postcard from Cancun

I used to consider my Hope as somewhat of a separate entity from myself.  Almost like a little talisman I could carry around in my pocket and take out whenever I needed to.  Hope to me was the feeling that no matter what, things were going to work out for the best, even when there was no tangible reason to feel that way.  I used to believe that anyway.  I'm not sure what changed.  It's simply not there anymore.  Maybe it ran off to Cancun with my Faith to lounge around the beach and drink Maragaritas with Juan the cabana boy.  I'm not sure how to get it or my Faith to come home.  I'm afraid I'm all out of return tickets.  And hell, if I could spend my time in a tropical paradise, I guess I wouldn't come home either.

I hope you weren't waiting for an uplifting twist to this little tale because I don't have one.  If you do, feel free to chime in anytime...I sure could use a little uplifting.

April 13, 2010

Downsizing or Upgrading

As I mentioned previously, I'm soon to be quitting my job.  A good job.  A job that pays very well for the area in which I live.  Please, stop yelling at the computer...I can't hear you.  I know the economy isn't good.  I know my timing is probably off.  But I've made this decision, good or bad, and doing what I can to make it a good thing.  And yes, by that I mean alternating between crying like a little girl and wailing to the heavens for God's help....I mean one little winning lottery ticket wouldn't kill him would it?  *sigh*  I guess not. 

Either way, I've begun downsizing the unnecessary expenses in my life.  And you know what the sad part is? Getting rid of a lot of my cable channels was way more traumatic than losing my caller ID and call waiting on the phone.  What the hell does that say about me?  Wait..don't answer that...I already know.  Is my world really going to be so much less if I can't watch Thundaar the Barbarian on Boomerang or help solve Cold Cases on Discovery ID?  Bill Curtis needs me damn it.  And what would happen if, God forbid, I actually had to sit down and read instead and watching my favorite shows. 

It's embarrassing how much time I spent stressing over all these things as I cruised the various satellite providers looking for the best deal.  Has my life really become nothing more than a series of programming choices wrapped up in a nice little $19.99 a month bow?  I thought about it....thought for a long time.  Who was I kidding?  I didn't need my junior college degree to know it was true.  My life was exactly that, but only because I didn't choose to fill with anything more.  I have family and friends, opportunities to do more...be more.  But I haven't. I want to say I'm going to change.  I want to believe I'm going to change.  I guess we'll have to wait and see. 

Meanwhile, I'm going to duck out for a few minutes.  I think there's a Powerball drawing tomorrow. 

Conversations With God: April 13, 2010

     God said, "So, how's it going down there?"
     I forget for a moment I'm actually talking to the Almighty.  "I never imagined you'd be a "how's it" kind of being," I reply without thinking.
    He clears his throat.  "Forth with, young disciple, descendent of Tarsus.  How goeth ye fruits of thine day?"
     I'm not particularly amused.  "Isn't the tarsus a bone in my foot?" I say.  "And, I wasn't aware sarcasm was one of your virtues."
     He chuckles.  "If it were, you'd be a saint by now, wouldn't you?"
     I smile back at him in spite of myself.
     "So," he says.  "What did you want me to do?"
     I stare at him.  "Me?  I didn't want anything."
     "That's not what you said about 4:00 this morning."
     I continued to stare, not feeling particularly "virtuous" just then.
     "Sometime between Spongebob Squarepants and The Fairly Odd Parents, I believe."
     "Oh."  I did remember that.  I blushed, and it wasn't just because of my poor taste in cartoons. I shrug. "It was just a slight panic attack.  Whatever, I said, I'm sure I didn't mean it."  I remembered exactly what I had said. God, please help me.
     His voice softened even more now, if that was possible.  "And that's why you sat up the rest of the morning crying?"
    My throat closed up. "You were watching me?"
     "No, my child.  I was holding you."
     I didn't look at him..  I couldn't.  I couldn't even summon up one sarcastic Footprints remark. I just closed my eyes for a moment and let his words wash over me.
     "You were there," I finally say.
   "Yes." And that's all he says for the longest while, as we sit in comfortable silence.  Then he bumps his shoulder against mine.  "Do you suppose you could you do something for me?"
     I look at him.
     "For all that is holy, no more Spongebob.  I don't think even I can bear to hear "Who Lives in a Pineapple Under the Sea" one more time."
     I think I can live with that.

April 12, 2010

Prayer Reflex

I prayed this morning.  It was spontaneous, without thought, and completely fear induced.  I use that word a lot:  fear.  Sometimes, I think I should have it tattooed across my forehead...right next to the "Mike Rowe Is My Husband, He Just Doesn't Know It Yet" tattoo below my right eye.  Fear seems to guide everything I do.  I wake up with it and go to bed with it.  It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth when I'm not really thinking about it...a reminder, I guess, just in case I thought for a few seconds I could be normal. What does all that have to do with the praying?  Not only did I wake up with the taste of fear on my tongue..it was a full course meal complete with soup, salad, and those little tomatoes no one ever eats.  So, I prayed.  It was reflex and just a little sad.  Why do I only pray when I'm scared?  I often wonder what God thinks about it.  "There she goes again".  How can I expect him to be there for me when I'm not there for him?  I know..I know.  He's God.  He loves us no matter what but that doesn't mean we shouldn't expect more from ourselves. 

So, I sit here with the same knot in my stomach I've had for days now wondering what I'm supposed to do.  It's so easy to pledge to change....to "earn" God's mercy and help.  The actual doing...not so much.  I don't want my life to be a mere series of panicked episodes and sporadic redemptions.  I want it to be a path, crooked though it may be, of me at least try to go somewhere.   But right now, I've lost my map, I'm out of water, and there's an annoying blister on my toe. 

April 11, 2010

An Ode To My Psychosis

Oh, Psychosis you are my dearest friend
Even if we’re both kind of bent
That’s what makes you special
And why I named you Ethel
Now if only I knew what you meant

Feel free to cry if you must. I'll look away.



Crossroads

I was going to write this last night but honestly needed a few hours to stew about it and bemoan my life.  Oh, I  didn't learn anything from it..of course not. That'd make too much sense wouldn't it?  Maybe I should start from the beginning or I guess middle, as I've already established previously I have no clue where the beginning is. 

My road to fear-induced self-discovery began last week when I came to a crossroads in my job.  The company I work for is great...my supervisor is great....the work itself is, well, not great because work seldom is, but I was good at it.  I had all that going for me, and I was still miserable.  Why?  If I knew that, I'd be dancing around the yard like a crazy person smelling the butterflies and chasing the flowers.  So, I made the decision to quit my job.  And I never do that...never do what is not responsible, not reliable, not for the most part logical.  Now that I think about it, perhaps I'm half Vulcan.  Hmmm.  Regardless, after a lot of ugly crying and nonsensical rambling, I did it...I gave my notice.  It scared the hell out of me but continuing on as I had been scared me even more.  So I did it.  In the movies, this is the part usually where you see the hero/heroine striding purposefully toward the horizon having faced life's hurdles and won as Aerosmith plays in the background.  I sat on the couch and cried.....with the Spongebob Squarepants theme song helping me along.  It wasn't pretty. 

Cut to a few days later.  I haven't cried as much.  I only want to throw up all that time, but I guess that's an improvement.  And then I get THE E-MAIL.  My job wanted me to work a few more weeks past my quit date.  And I said yes.  So much for self-discovery.  Not that working for a few more weeks is such a bad thing.  But then why do I feel the velvet talons of safety pulling me back in? I'm not brave...never have been.  I don't know if I can do this. 

April 10, 2010

The Beginning

We all have to start somewhere.  I'm not so sure I exactly started here....at least not according to my dad and "the talk" all those years ago.  I can't even say I spiritually started here either.  I've been "reborn" more times than I can count, both figuratively, literally, and after one of those damn Hallmark commercials that make you just want to hug your mom and feed all the starving kids in Africa.  But, now does seem different.  I've hit a point in my life where I feel like I'm teetering on the top of a steep hill, and I can go either way. Do I slide backwards into what I know is comfortable, reliable, tried and true, life sucking, soul expunging, heart crushing...or do I slide forward into what is uncomfortable, terrifying, uncertain, nausea inducing?  Both directions are downhill.  But at least with falling foward I'll at least have momentum on my side.  I suppose that could spur me up  and over whatever next mountainous hill God has in store for me. 

See how I slid that in there?  Sneaky huh.  God.  Just say his name a few times.  Think about your immediate reaction.  Does it matter?  Did you smile, frown, roll your eyes?  I used to smile...feel hope and sunshine swell up my insides like butterflies lifting my spirit into the heavens.  These days, I just want to throw up.  I'll be honest. God scares that hell out of me.  I'm sure that's blasphemous on many levels, but it's the unfortunate truth.  Sometimes, I think he scares me even more the devil...because well he's God...full of Goodness and Light and me...we'll I'm not.  I'd like to be....boy would I like to be.  So, I did what any sane lost soul would do....I started a blog about it. 

I guess I'm hoping I'm not alone.  Logically, I know I'm not.  But that's hard to remember when it's midnight and I'm up spending my time with Chuck Norris and his shoe polish hair telling me how a Total Gym can change my life.  That's when the doubts are the worst....the fears crawling like little spiders into all my weak spots.  I used to pray during those times.  I used to pray a lot.  Now, I can't even go through the motions.  I consider myself Christian in that I believe in God....but it's been getting harder lately to remember that.  And I have to wonder, it is really God I'm having trouble finding my faith in....or is it just in me?  I hoping to find out.