The Prodigal Daughter Returns....Uh..Again

As you can see by the HUGE gap in between my posting dates, I've been a bit lax of late regarding my new found resolve to change.  And by lax, of course I mean sliding back into the exact same self-pitying patterns that got me here in the first place.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Am I simply lazy, still in denial? I hope not but probably. 

My best friend and I have decided to start reading the Bible together next week.....our collective quest to make some kind of sense in our otherwise directionless life...kind of a Beginner's Bible for Dummies....us of course providing the Dummy part.  I plan to blog about our progress and what I (hopefully) take away from our studies.  I've never been a big fan of having scriptures thrown at me like softballs....my first reaction is usually to duck.  I want to figure out how the scriptures fit into the real world.....and just maybe I'll figure the same thing out about my self.

Shard of Hope

I woke up this morning with that familiar fist of dread settled directly in the middle of my stomach. It continued to grow, stretching its heavy tentacles up into my chest until I couldn't breathe.  I'm used to this...I don't like it, but I expect it.  Only, I was hoping this morning might be different.  I've trying so hard to change things....sure, some of that trying is only going on in my head but that's gotta count for something doesn't it.  I mean I'm actually thinking for once instead of just trying endure my lot in life. 

I guess that's why I didn't just feel disappointment....I felt downright anger when I woke up with the same knot in my stomach.  I won't lie.  I sat around and felt sorry for myself a few hours.  Why was God doing this to me?  Couldn't he see I was trying?  And then it occurred to me, what exactly had I been trying to do differently than my normal self-involved coping mechanisms (namely cruising celebrity gossip blogs and wondering why  Mike Rowe won't return my calls)?  Nothing..absolutely nothing.  I keep sitting around waiting...for something.  Exactly what I can't really say and so far that hasn't really been working out so much.

And then, out of the blue, I thought what if tried something small...nothing earth shattering, just some tiny effort on  my part to give something of myself instead of simply waiting for something to come to me.  So, I did....I took the initiative to message a friend and say good morning....how's it going.  And I listened to what she had to say.  Who'd of thought something so minimal could make me feel good?  But it did.  Not a lot but enough that the dread loosened it's grasp ever so slightly around my heart.   Then, I tried it again....I called a friend who has been ill just to see how they were doing and if they needed anything.  After I got off the phone, I felt like I could breathe again without it being such an effort.  My insides relaxed a little more. 

I won't say the fear completely left me.  I still had my episodes of doubt and fear...but there were these glorious moments of Hope in between that I hadn't felt in very long time.  And that's what I needed more than anything....just a shard of Hope to put in my pocket and maybe hold close to my heart once in a while.

Postcard from Cancun

I used to consider my Hope as somewhat of a separate entity from myself.  Almost like a little talisman I could carry around in my pocket and take out whenever I needed to.  Hope to me was the feeling that no matter what, things were going to work out for the best, even when there was no tangible reason to feel that way.  I used to believe that anyway.  I'm not sure what changed.  It's simply not there anymore.  Maybe it ran off to Cancun with my Faith to lounge around the beach and drink Maragaritas with Juan the cabana boy.  I'm not sure how to get it or my Faith to come home.  I'm afraid I'm all out of return tickets.  And hell, if I could spend my time in a tropical paradise, I guess I wouldn't come home either.

I hope you weren't waiting for an uplifting twist to this little tale because I don't have one.  If you do, feel free to chime in anytime...I sure could use a little uplifting.