Self-Pity: The Reunion Tour

Well, here it is another Sunday, and how do I choose to celebrate the day of God's rest from all that he created?  By watching a Law and Order marathon naturally.  *sigh*  You'd think this would be a pivotal moment of great introspection on the shallowness of how I choose to spend my time.  You'd think so anyway.  I'm too busy presently wallowing in a great big vat of Self-Pity probably soon to be followed by a Woe Is Me nap.  I'm not giving up......but I am giving in...for today at least.  Oh wait, I did that already yesterday, didn't I?  Do me a favor and back away quietly while I draw the covers of my head.  It's not polite to watch a grown woman cry.

The Prodigal Daughter Returns....Uh..Again

As you can see by the HUGE gap in between my posting dates, I've been a bit lax of late regarding my new found resolve to change.  And by lax, of course I mean sliding back into the exact same self-pitying patterns that got me here in the first place.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Am I simply lazy, still in denial? I hope not but probably. 

My best friend and I have decided to start reading the Bible together next week.....our collective quest to make some kind of sense in our otherwise directionless life...kind of a Beginner's Bible for Dummies....us of course providing the Dummy part.  I plan to blog about our progress and what I (hopefully) take away from our studies.  I've never been a big fan of having scriptures thrown at me like softballs....my first reaction is usually to duck.  I want to figure out how the scriptures fit into the real world.....and just maybe I'll figure the same thing out about my self.

Conversations With God: April 24, 2010

    I'm sitting on my back porch watching birds dive bomb overgrown flowers and wondering why I can't teach my cat to mow.  He needs to earn his keep somehow.

   "Life isn't unfolding quite the way you expected."

   I don't look over, even if it is the Almighty.  I feel rather than see him sink into the pink lawn chair beside me.  "I thought it would be different," I admit begrudgingly.  "I had an epipheny for God's sake."

   He chuckles and I have sense enough to blush.  "Sorry."

   "You're referring to the voice advising you 'not to hide your light'?"

   I do look at him this time.  "You actually read my posts?"

   He smiles.  "What kind of Father would I be if I didn't?"

   I try not to dwell too much on the warm feeling spreading throughout my system with that statement.  I stare back out into the yard.  "I thought my life would be different after that...all full of meaning and warm fuzzies."  I sound bitter even to my own ears.

   "You expected life to be different," he repeats gently.  "But are you?"

   I turn to him.  "Me?"

   "Yes, you.  How can you expect your life to change if you don't?"

   "But, I don't know how to change."  It sounds lame even to my ears.

   "I think you do."

   "Are you sure you're not giving me too much credit?"

   He ignores that.  "I know what you're capable of."

  "I'm glad you do," I grumble.

   "Choose one thing to change."  I start to say something but he stops me with a look.  "Just one...that's all I'm asking.  You might be surprised what happens."

   We fall silent as I consider his words.  "I don't suppose I could work on the fact that I don't eat nearly enough chocolate?" I ask hopefully.

   "Perhaps that could be second on your list."

   I nod, still hesistant, but not quite as alone as before.

Ode To Myself

Myself,  you are an odd little thing
Part sunshine and bumblebee stings
I'd give you a label
If only I were able
I hope you're what you seem

Look Out Below

I've been feeling fairly lost these past few days...well more than usual...and wondering what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go, and if God's trying to talk me but maybe I'm simply not listening hard enough.  Cut to about 6:00 this morning when I'm awakened to sound of a voice telling me "God doesn't want you to hide your light. He wants you to share it with the world."  No, it wasn't the Almighty come down from heaven to wake me up...not literally anyway.  I had fallen asleep with my TV set on one of those stations that airs Christian shows during the early morning hours.  The voice I heard was that of a female pastor, but it may very well have been that of God too.  You never know how he might choose to speak to us.  Don't hide your light.  Simple yet scary instructions, yet I know in my heart it's true. 

I've worked from home for the past several years and each day it's become easier and easier to withdraw from the life around me.  I participate but I don't engage..kind of like a sleepwalker who jolts awake every so often but never long enough to contribute anything of themselves to reality.  I'm terrified and I'm ready all at the same time to make this change.  I think I have something to offer and apparently God does too. This is my leap of faith.....look out below....

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To

Actually, yesterday was my birthday, and it was a pretty good day.  I received a lot of good wishes from family and friends, a few very sweet cards and even sweeter presents.  So why do I feel  so deflated today?  Maybe it's because birthdays have always been kind of like New Year's to me....a time of renewal of dreams and hopes for myself and my life.  Except this year, I don't really have that.  Yes, I started this blog as part of journey I hope I'm beginning.  Seems lately more of a tip-toe forward, dead-stop, whole step back, then another tip-toe forward.  Am I progressing, doing the Jitter Bug, or just making really bad dance analogies about my life? 

I have less than 2 weeks left at my job and in many ways feel I'm hanging too much importance on that.  I can't sit around here moping in the meantime waiting for life to begin anew. But, life is now...this second.  And I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it.  I didn't even pray this morning.  One tiny little thing I can do to bring myself closer to God and hopefully myself.  *sigh* Excuse me while the maudlin strum of the violin plays me out.......

What Would Jesus Do?

I'm not sure what Jesus would do. I have a good idea of what he wouldn't do. 

• He wouldn't spend all his free time on Facebook worrying more about taking care of his virtual characters than the friends and family he has in the real world.
• He wouldn't spend his conversations just waiting for his turn to speak instead of actually listening to the other person.
• He wouldn't sit around waiting for friends to check on him...he'd be too busy seeing how they're doing.
• He wouldn't sit inside on a beautiful sunny day watching Lifetime movies and crying like a little girl.

The one thing I do know Jesus would do and did do everyday of his life:  He did what he knew was right.  And though my moral compass is nowhere near as good as his, I can at least try to do what I think is right every day.  And even if I'm wrong more than I'm right, I can keep trying...and hoping.