Conversations With God: April 24, 2010

    I'm sitting on my back porch watching birds dive bomb overgrown flowers and wondering why I can't teach my cat to mow.  He needs to earn his keep somehow.

   "Life isn't unfolding quite the way you expected."

   I don't look over, even if it is the Almighty.  I feel rather than see him sink into the pink lawn chair beside me.  "I thought it would be different," I admit begrudgingly.  "I had an epipheny for God's sake."

   He chuckles and I have sense enough to blush.  "Sorry."

   "You're referring to the voice advising you 'not to hide your light'?"

   I do look at him this time.  "You actually read my posts?"

   He smiles.  "What kind of Father would I be if I didn't?"

   I try not to dwell too much on the warm feeling spreading throughout my system with that statement.  I stare back out into the yard.  "I thought my life would be different after that...all full of meaning and warm fuzzies."  I sound bitter even to my own ears.

   "You expected life to be different," he repeats gently.  "But are you?"

   I turn to him.  "Me?"

   "Yes, you.  How can you expect your life to change if you don't?"

   "But, I don't know how to change."  It sounds lame even to my ears.

   "I think you do."

   "Are you sure you're not giving me too much credit?"

   He ignores that.  "I know what you're capable of."

  "I'm glad you do," I grumble.

   "Choose one thing to change."  I start to say something but he stops me with a look.  "Just one...that's all I'm asking.  You might be surprised what happens."

   We fall silent as I consider his words.  "I don't suppose I could work on the fact that I don't eat nearly enough chocolate?" I ask hopefully.

   "Perhaps that could be second on your list."

   I nod, still hesistant, but not quite as alone as before.

Ode To Myself

Myself,  you are an odd little thing
Part sunshine and bumblebee stings
I'd give you a label
If only I were able
I hope you're what you seem

Look Out Below

I've been feeling fairly lost these past few days...well more than usual...and wondering what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go, and if God's trying to talk me but maybe I'm simply not listening hard enough.  Cut to about 6:00 this morning when I'm awakened to sound of a voice telling me "God doesn't want you to hide your light. He wants you to share it with the world."  No, it wasn't the Almighty come down from heaven to wake me up...not literally anyway.  I had fallen asleep with my TV set on one of those stations that airs Christian shows during the early morning hours.  The voice I heard was that of a female pastor, but it may very well have been that of God too.  You never know how he might choose to speak to us.  Don't hide your light.  Simple yet scary instructions, yet I know in my heart it's true. 

I've worked from home for the past several years and each day it's become easier and easier to withdraw from the life around me.  I participate but I don't engage..kind of like a sleepwalker who jolts awake every so often but never long enough to contribute anything of themselves to reality.  I'm terrified and I'm ready all at the same time to make this change.  I think I have something to offer and apparently God does too. This is my leap of faith.....look out below....

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To

Actually, yesterday was my birthday, and it was a pretty good day.  I received a lot of good wishes from family and friends, a few very sweet cards and even sweeter presents.  So why do I feel  so deflated today?  Maybe it's because birthdays have always been kind of like New Year's to me....a time of renewal of dreams and hopes for myself and my life.  Except this year, I don't really have that.  Yes, I started this blog as part of journey I hope I'm beginning.  Seems lately more of a tip-toe forward, dead-stop, whole step back, then another tip-toe forward.  Am I progressing, doing the Jitter Bug, or just making really bad dance analogies about my life? 

I have less than 2 weeks left at my job and in many ways feel I'm hanging too much importance on that.  I can't sit around here moping in the meantime waiting for life to begin anew. But, life is now...this second.  And I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it.  I didn't even pray this morning.  One tiny little thing I can do to bring myself closer to God and hopefully myself.  *sigh* Excuse me while the maudlin strum of the violin plays me out.......

What Would Jesus Do?

I'm not sure what Jesus would do. I have a good idea of what he wouldn't do. 

• He wouldn't spend all his free time on Facebook worrying more about taking care of his virtual characters than the friends and family he has in the real world.
• He wouldn't spend his conversations just waiting for his turn to speak instead of actually listening to the other person.
• He wouldn't sit around waiting for friends to check on him...he'd be too busy seeing how they're doing.
• He wouldn't sit inside on a beautiful sunny day watching Lifetime movies and crying like a little girl.

The one thing I do know Jesus would do and did do everyday of his life:  He did what he knew was right.  And though my moral compass is nowhere near as good as his, I can at least try to do what I think is right every day.  And even if I'm wrong more than I'm right, I can keep trying...and hoping.

Countdown

As of today, there are officially 1 week and 6 days until my life is over my notice runs out on my job.  Then like a newborn baby, I'll be pushed out into the cold cruel world hoping someone will give me some milk and a diaper change once in a while.  I think I'm past the point of pure terror as unemployment looms ahead of me. I'm moved on into Denial which is just up the street from What The Hell Was I Thinking Boulevard and around the block from I'm An Idiot Avenue.  As if you couldn't still tell, I still don't know if I did the right thing in quitting my job.  I do know I'm tired of living my life in a box.  Sure, I'm the one who taped it up nice and tight so no light could get in, but now I want to bust out of it....see what I've been missing all this time "trying to do the right thing".  I honestly don't know what the "right thing" is anymore.  I can't imagine it's doing something that makes me so unhappy...makes me forget the few good things I do know about myself.  We'll see.

In the meantime, I'm having all my mail forwarded to Cry Me A River City.  Come visit if you like.

Shard of Hope

I woke up this morning with that familiar fist of dread settled directly in the middle of my stomach. It continued to grow, stretching its heavy tentacles up into my chest until I couldn't breathe.  I'm used to this...I don't like it, but I expect it.  Only, I was hoping this morning might be different.  I've trying so hard to change things....sure, some of that trying is only going on in my head but that's gotta count for something doesn't it.  I mean I'm actually thinking for once instead of just trying endure my lot in life. 

I guess that's why I didn't just feel disappointment....I felt downright anger when I woke up with the same knot in my stomach.  I won't lie.  I sat around and felt sorry for myself a few hours.  Why was God doing this to me?  Couldn't he see I was trying?  And then it occurred to me, what exactly had I been trying to do differently than my normal self-involved coping mechanisms (namely cruising celebrity gossip blogs and wondering why  Mike Rowe won't return my calls)?  Nothing..absolutely nothing.  I keep sitting around waiting...for something.  Exactly what I can't really say and so far that hasn't really been working out so much.

And then, out of the blue, I thought what if tried something small...nothing earth shattering, just some tiny effort on  my part to give something of myself instead of simply waiting for something to come to me.  So, I did....I took the initiative to message a friend and say good morning....how's it going.  And I listened to what she had to say.  Who'd of thought something so minimal could make me feel good?  But it did.  Not a lot but enough that the dread loosened it's grasp ever so slightly around my heart.   Then, I tried it again....I called a friend who has been ill just to see how they were doing and if they needed anything.  After I got off the phone, I felt like I could breathe again without it being such an effort.  My insides relaxed a little more. 

I won't say the fear completely left me.  I still had my episodes of doubt and fear...but there were these glorious moments of Hope in between that I hadn't felt in very long time.  And that's what I needed more than anything....just a shard of Hope to put in my pocket and maybe hold close to my heart once in a while.