The Beginning

We all have to start somewhere.  I'm not so sure I exactly started here....at least not according to my dad and "the talk" all those years ago.  I can't even say I spiritually started here either.  I've been "reborn" more times than I can count, both figuratively, literally, and after one of those damn Hallmark commercials that make you just want to hug your mom and feed all the starving kids in Africa.  But, now does seem different.  I've hit a point in my life where I feel like I'm teetering on the top of a steep hill, and I can go either way. Do I slide backwards into what I know is comfortable, reliable, tried and true, life sucking, soul expunging, heart crushing...or do I slide forward into what is uncomfortable, terrifying, uncertain, nausea inducing?  Both directions are downhill.  But at least with falling foward I'll at least have momentum on my side.  I suppose that could spur me up  and over whatever next mountainous hill God has in store for me. 

See how I slid that in there?  Sneaky huh.  God.  Just say his name a few times.  Think about your immediate reaction.  Does it matter?  Did you smile, frown, roll your eyes?  I used to smile...feel hope and sunshine swell up my insides like butterflies lifting my spirit into the heavens.  These days, I just want to throw up.  I'll be honest. God scares that hell out of me.  I'm sure that's blasphemous on many levels, but it's the unfortunate truth.  Sometimes, I think he scares me even more the devil...because well he's God...full of Goodness and Light and me...we'll I'm not.  I'd like to be....boy would I like to be.  So, I did what any sane lost soul would do....I started a blog about it. 

I guess I'm hoping I'm not alone.  Logically, I know I'm not.  But that's hard to remember when it's midnight and I'm up spending my time with Chuck Norris and his shoe polish hair telling me how a Total Gym can change my life.  That's when the doubts are the worst....the fears crawling like little spiders into all my weak spots.  I used to pray during those times.  I used to pray a lot.  Now, I can't even go through the motions.  I consider myself Christian in that I believe in God....but it's been getting harder lately to remember that.  And I have to wonder, it is really God I'm having trouble finding my faith in....or is it just in me?  I hoping to find out.