Conversations With God: April 13, 2010

     God said, "So, how's it going down there?"
     I forget for a moment I'm actually talking to the Almighty.  "I never imagined you'd be a "how's it" kind of being," I reply without thinking.
    He clears his throat.  "Forth with, young disciple, descendent of Tarsus.  How goeth ye fruits of thine day?"
     I'm not particularly amused.  "Isn't the tarsus a bone in my foot?" I say.  "And, I wasn't aware sarcasm was one of your virtues."
     He chuckles.  "If it were, you'd be a saint by now, wouldn't you?"
     I smile back at him in spite of myself.
     "So," he says.  "What did you want me to do?"
     I stare at him.  "Me?  I didn't want anything."
     "That's not what you said about 4:00 this morning."
     I continued to stare, not feeling particularly "virtuous" just then.
     "Sometime between Spongebob Squarepants and The Fairly Odd Parents, I believe."
     "Oh."  I did remember that.  I blushed, and it wasn't just because of my poor taste in cartoons. I shrug. "It was just a slight panic attack.  Whatever, I said, I'm sure I didn't mean it."  I remembered exactly what I had said. God, please help me.
     His voice softened even more now, if that was possible.  "And that's why you sat up the rest of the morning crying?"
    My throat closed up. "You were watching me?"
     "No, my child.  I was holding you."
     I didn't look at him..  I couldn't.  I couldn't even summon up one sarcastic Footprints remark. I just closed my eyes for a moment and let his words wash over me.
     "You were there," I finally say.
   "Yes." And that's all he says for the longest while, as we sit in comfortable silence.  Then he bumps his shoulder against mine.  "Do you suppose you could you do something for me?"
     I look at him.
     "For all that is holy, no more Spongebob.  I don't think even I can bear to hear "Who Lives in a Pineapple Under the Sea" one more time."
     I think I can live with that.